Scouting Jokes

A Scout Master was teaching his Boy Scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine
on top of that black ten!"

Q: What do you call an Eagle Scout with a crew cut?
A: A bald eagle.

Scoutmaster: "Tenderfoot, how did you get that black eye?"
Tender Foot: "Sir, I was hit by a guided muscle with a knucklear warhead!"

Scoutmaster: The only way to acquire a new skill is to start at the bottom.
Tender Foot: But I want to learn to swim

The Smartest Man In the World

A Grandmother, Boy scout, Teacher, and the Smartest Man in the world were on a plane. After a while, it was known that plane was failing and was about to crash. There were only three parachutes, and four passengers. Being the Smartest Man in the world, he took a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The teacher, also being smart, thought to herself, 'teachers are needed in the world to teach their knowledge to other.' So with that, she took a parachute and jumped out the plane.

The Grandmother, being very wise, said to the boy scout, "I am old. I have lived my life. You are still a young boy. Go, and take the last parachute." But the Boy scout said, "No, it's okay. There are two parachutes left. The Smartest Man in the world took my backpack."

News Flash!!! Grizzly Bear Warning
from the Department of Fish & Game

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the
Department of Fish & Game is advising Scouts, hikers, hunters,
and fishermen to wear little bells tied to their clothing while in the field.

It has been strongly advised that Scouts and outdoors men wear
noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that
aren't expecting outdoors man to be walking in their habitat.

It has also been strongly advised for Scouts and outdoors men to
carry non-lethal pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

The Department states it is a good idea to watch out for fresh
signs of bear activity. Scouts and outdoors men should be able to
recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.

Black bear scat is smaller and contains lots of berries and many
times squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear scat has little bells in it, smells like pepper and many
pieces of red, tan and green fabric.

Top Ten Reasons you might be a Boy Scout

10.You can say fleur-de-lis and know what one is and occasionally are wearing one

9. You have done a whipping and a lashing with no physical harm to anyone.

8. You know how to speak in a native tongue Wimachtendienk, Wingolauchsik, Whitahemui.

7. Your shoes are tied with a square knot so the bow goes across them.

6. You work on camp staff for less wages than flipping burgers at McDonalds to meet girls on
parents night.

5. You're sleeping in a tent and you are not homeless.

4. You're all dressed up and ready to go out, and have an American flag on your clothing.

3. You're higher than a star because you're an eagle.

2. You help a little old lady across the street without hearing the words "HELP! PURSE
SNATCHER!".

1. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight

Top Ten Reasons Why I'm In Scouting

10 - My basement was empty and needed remodeling anyway.
9 - I get to wear a uniform.
8 - I like the smell of bug repellent.
7 - I enjoy going to the bathroom in the woods.
6 - I'm in it for the crafts.
5 - I'm allergic to house chores (needed something to fill the void).
4 - I get quality time with my son and 30 of his closest friends.
3 - It's a great way to collect coffee mugs.
2 - I needed a tax write off.
1 - It only takes an hour each week.

You Might be a Boy Scout if....

• you begin to think half frozen French fries don't taste that bad
• you keep a bucket of water by your side while cooking dinner
• you spontaneously break into strange songs in public
• you can stare at a spider web for an hour and not even notice the time passing
• you carry your own toilet paper wherever you go
• you always read by flashlight
• you horde tent stakes
• you wear 2 pairs of socks to bed
• you sleep under a trash bag
• you always have hat hair
• you're always counting how many matches you have left
• you tie up your little brother...and he can't get loose
• you roast mini marshmallows on a paper clip over a candle, put it on a golden graham with a shaving of chocolate," just to get the flavor"
• you always cook enough food for twelve
• pie iron pizzas is the best meal you've had all week
• you open letters with a pocket knife
• you eat ants on a log and like it
• you wear bread bags on your feet
• you know 365 one pot meals
• you help little old ladies...whether they want it or not.
• your neighbors hide when they see you going around the neighborhood with, "that order form"
• you have to go to the bathroom and you look for a buddy
• you tie your shoes and look in the handbook to see if it counts towards a merit badge
• you see a pile of rocks and immediately put them in a circle
• you know 100 uses for a bandana
• you collect used candles and dryer lint
• your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off

YOU MIGHT BE TAKING YOUR SCOUTING TOO SERIOUS IF:

You buy that '89 Chevy Caprice because you really like that fleur-de-lis hood ornament.
Your favorite color is "Olive Drab".
You decide to lash together the new deck on the back of your house.
You plan to serve foil meals at your next dinner party.
You walk the streets in broad daylight with a coffee cup and flashlight hanging from your belt.
You raise your hand in the scout sign at a heated business meeting.
You were arrested by airport security because you wouldn't give up your official BSA
pocket knife until the cop said "thank you".
You didn't mind losing power to your house for three days.
Your son hides his copy of Boy's Life from you.
Your plans for remodeling the bathroom include digging the hole deeper.
You trade your 25 foot center console fishing boat in on that great little 15 foot canoe.
Your favorite movie is "Follow Me Boys" starring Fred MacMurray, and you spent months
trying to convince Disney to release it on home video.
You managed to find that 8th day in the week.
Your patron saint is Ward Cleaver.
You disconnect the automatic dishwasher in favor of the "3 pot method".
You sneak a cup of "Bug Juice" after the troop turns in for the night.
You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together.
Latrines at camp start becoming comfortable.
You felt you won a moral victory when BSA brought back knee high socks.
You think campaign hats are cool.
You gave your wife a mummy bag rated for -15 ° F for Christmas.
You name one of your kids Baden.
Your favorite tune is "Camp Granada" (hello mudda….hello fadda) by Allen Sherman.
You can recite the 12 points of the Scout Law backwards, in order, in 3 seconds flat.
You bought 10,000 shares of Coleman stock on an inside tip they were about to release a
microwave accessory for their camp stove line.
You can't eat eggs anymore unless they are cooked in a zip-lock bag.
You plan to get rich by writing a best selling Dutch Oven cook book.
You took a chemistry course at the local college to help you develop a better fire starter.
You actually own a left-handed smoke shifter.
The height of your social season is the district recognition dinner.
A trip to Philmont is a pilgrimage.
You are convinced the center of the universe is Irving, Texas.
The sales operators at the BSA distribution Center's 800 number recognize your voice.
Singing "Scout Vespers" makes you cry uncontrollably.
You were disappointed when Scouting magazine didn't win the Pulitzer Prize last year.
The Scouts in your troop chipped in to have you abducted by a professional cult
de-programmer.

Rate Yourself!
30-36 Hopeless.
24-30 Condition is "serious" but not fatal.
18-24 You must be an SA.
12-18 You're OK but be careful..
6-12 You obviously still have a life.
Under 6 Still in Cub Scouts, right?

1. The number of mosquitoes at any given location is inversely proportional to the amount of insect repellent remaining.
2. The distance to a given camp site is constant as twilight approaches.
3. Any stone in a hiking boot will migrate to the point of maximum pressure.
4. The probability of dysentery increases with the square of the poison ivy content of the local vegetation.
5. Universally, all foods assume the uniform, taste, texture, and color when freeze-dried.
6. Tent stakes come only in quantity "N-1", where N=the number of stakes required to hold down the tent.
7. When utilizing a mummy bag, the urgency to urinate is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing worn.
8. Waterproof clothing isn't. It is however, 100% effective at retaining sweat.
9. Weight of the backpack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food consumed from it.
10. When hiking boots are removed, it is not possible to put them back on.
11. Water bottles that are full when packed, will spontaneously deplete prior to arrival at campsite.
12. Under any condition, matches will find a way to get wet.
13. A single rock located under a tent will also be found to relocate under the sleeping bag.
14. All tree branches grow outward at exactly the height of the human nose.
15. The sun sets 3.5 times faster than normal when setting up camp.
16. No matter where you are going it's the wrong path.
17. No matter where you end up it is the wrong campsite.
18. Blisters always occur in a triplet arrangement on the human foot.
19. Socks which are designated as "an dry extra pair" won't be.
20. The universal constants are rain, poison ivy, and spiders.
21. The amount of rain that falls in the middle of the night, in inches, is equal
    to the distance you must travel to reach dry ground squared.

You've Been a Scout Leader Too Long if...

1. You drive a Pinewood Derby car to troop meetings.
2. You volunteered the Troop for active combat in Bosnia.
3. You teach your scouts to help old ladies to the median then run like heck.
4. The "live off the land" campout was at the town dump.
5. Your hood ornament is a Fleur-de-lis.
6. You are beginning to think you look pretty good in scout shorts.
7. Your last dinner party featured foil dinners.
8. You raise your hand in the scout sign at business meetings.
9. Your son hides his copy of "Boys Life" from you.
10. Your bathroom remodeling included digging deeper and creating a lime storage bin.
11. Your favorite movie is "Follow Me Boys" with Fred McMurray.
12. You think campaign hats are cool.
13. You disconnected the dishwasher in favor of the "3 pot method".
14. You have begun saving recipes because your retirement plans include writing a Dutch Oven Cookbook.
15. You named one of your kids Baden.
16. You're a grown man, wearing a bandanna and goofy shorts and you're volunteering to spend time with my kid.
17. You have received a Nobel prize, were elected president, discovered the cure for aging, and still thought your greatest achievement was being elected merit-badge counselor.

Sixteen Steps To Build A Campfire

Top Ten Reasons Why Not to Be An Eagle Scout

1. Scout uniform is not a "babe magnet."
2. Outdoor latrines have no walls.
3. Miss the chance to see every facet of Murphy's law in action on a single campout.
4. Avoid flack from your friends for missing whatever goes on during the weekend of your campout.
5. Never get to sleep three guys in the same wet sleeping bag.
6. Miss the opportunity to spend two months of each summer in your teen years applying every antibiotic cream, lotion and spray offered by the medical world on boils, infections, rashes and poison ivy.
7. Avoid the B.S. from Scoutmaster.
8. You won't have to make a 7 a.m. campout departure the night after prom.
9. Have more time to run with your gang.
   
   And the No. 1 reason Not to Be An Eagle Scout....
   
10. You'll be like the other 98 percent of Scouts!

Dave Rogers
ASM, Troop 85
Beaumont, TX

You Just Might Be A Scoutmaster If:

• Most of your wardrobe is olive drab or khaki.
• You have holes in the pockets of your jeans from carrying a pocket knife.
• You begin to think half frozen French fries don't taste all that bad.
• You keep a bucket of water by your side while cooking dinner.
• You spontaneously break into strange songs in public.
• You can stare at a spider web for an hour, and not notice the time passing.
• You carry your own toilet paper wherever you go -You always read by a flashlight.
• Your radio is always tuned to the weather station.
• You hoard tent stakes.
• You wear 2 pairs of socks to bed.
• You keep a lantern hanging outside your bathroom door.
• You sleep under a trash bag.
• You cannot walk by a piece of trash without picking it up.
• You carry a duffle bag size first-aid kit in your car.
• You always have hat hair.
• You continue to wear it until it stands on it's own.
• You're always counting how many matches you have left.
• You know all the words to "Little Bunny Foo-Foo", but can't remember where you left your briefcase.
• You see paint samples in a store and immediately want to name things in nature with the same colors.
• Your pots and pans are all black.
• You roast a mini-marshmallows on a paper clip over a candle; then put it on a golden graham with one square of chocolate, just to get the flavor.
• You always cook enough food for twelve.
• All your clothes smell like pickles (from the bucket).
• Pie iron pizzas is the best meal you've had all week.
• You always have a cup hooked to your belt.
• All your clothes have little pieces of egg stuck on them.
• You own little bits of every color felt.
• You open letters with a pocket knife.
• You have something on your shoe...and you're sure it's only mud.
• You eat ants on a log and like it.
• You wear bread bags on your feet.
• You know 365 one pot meals.
• Your "microwave" is a box wrapped in foil.
• When opening large gifts, you wonder if you have a piece of foil large enough to cover it.
• You buy your shampoo in little tiny bottles.
• You order pizzas 14 at a time.
• You have to urge to help little old ladies...whether they want it or not.
• Everything in your cupboard says "instant, just add water".
• Your neighbors hide when they see you going door to door with "that order form" again
• You have to go to the restroom and you start looking for a buddy.
• Y ou really do use those emergency sewing kits.

Top 10 Pick-Up Lines You Can Use While Wearing Your Scout Uniform

10. I was going on a hike and my compass led me straight to you.
9. The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes.
8. Baden Powell really was my uncle, honest.
7. It's true; this arrow is a sign for virility.
6. Let's go identify wild plants in the forest.
5. Can I practice giving you CPR?
4. Yes, in fact I do have the Rabbit Raising Merit Badge.
3. Come on, I'll give you a tour of my tent.
2. I know how to tie 27 different knots. Can I tie you...I mean show you?
1. These pants really are made of polyester, go ahead, you can feel them if you want to.

Attention Hikers:
Bear Warning

If you are considering doing some camping this Spring and Summer, please note the following public service announcement:
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country.
The bells warn away MOST bears (grizzly, black, etc.) but be careful because they don't scare Kodiak/brown bears.
Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Kodiak/brown bears.
One can easily spot a Kodiak/brown bear's droppings. Those are the droppings that contain those tiny bells.

The Camping Trip

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Here's a groaner!

A scouter and his wife were driving along a rural highway, when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence.

The scoutmaster tried honking his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard.

He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem, a loose wire, which he quickly fixed. As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.

"Yep", he replied.

"Beep repaired!"

A Camper's Ten Commandments

Thou shalt do thy share and more;
Thou shalt keep thy sense of humour;
Thou shalt do thy camp duties to the best of thy ability;
Thou shalt not cry over burnt food;
Thou shalt treat other people as you would wish them to treat you;
Thou shalt not pollute or destroy;
Thou shalt not giggle all night;
Thou shalt not forget about personal cleanliness;
Thou shalt spread thy friendship to someone new;
Thou shalt listen to thy leaders, for they are wise in the ways of making camp a happy time for everyone.

Cub 1: What did the bug say when it hit the windshield?
Cub 2: I don’t have the guts to do that again.

Cub 1: Ever since I’ve been riding in the rodeo, I haven’t been feeling good.  What do you think it could be?
Cub 2: Bronc-it is.

Cub 1: I asked my mother for a new pair of sneakers for gym.
Cub 2: What did she say?
Cub 1: She said to tell Jim to buy his own sneakers.

Cub 1: Dad there’s a man at the door asking for you.
Cub 2: With a bill?
Cub 1: No, with a nose just like yours.

Cub 1: Why do you have a swollen nose
Cub 2: I was smelling a brose
Cub 1: There is no b in rose
Cub 2: There was in this one.

Cub 1: I asked my mother for a new pair of sneakers for gym.
Cub 2: What did she say?
Cub 1: She said to tell Jim to buy his own sneakers.

How many Cub Scout Leaders does it take to change a light bulb?

12     One to call a planning meeting, one to call everyone to find a date when everyone can get together, one to conduct the meeting, one to make an announcement about the planned light bulb changing, one to lead a song, one to write a skit about light bulbs, one to screw it in, two to do a run-on, one to lead a cheer for a job well done, one to bring refreshments, and one to buy patches for everyone who participated!

Where does a rabbit go when it needs a grooming?
To the hare dresser.

What’s big, gray, floppy and goes Hoppity, BOOM, hoppity, BOOM?
The Easter Elephant

How deep is a frog pond?
Knee-deep, knee-deep.

Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden wheels and the wooden engine?
It wooden go!

Cub 1: What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?
Cub 2: Chocolate chimp cookies

Cub 1: What’s a cat’s favorite breakfast?
Cub 2: Mice Krispies

Cub 1: What is the first letter in yellow?
Cub 2: Y 
Cub 1: Because I want to know

What does a dog say when it gets sick?
Barf, barf

How are dogcatchers paid?
By the pound

What dog bakes cakes?
Betty Cocker

What would you get if you crossed a pit bull with Lassie?
A dog that bites your leg off and then runs for help.

What flower does everyone wear year round?
Tulips.

When is a baseball player like a spider?
When he catches a fly.

Why is a dog's tall like the heart of a tree?
Because it is furthest from the bark.

What kind of bird is present at every meal?
A Swallow

What tree will keep you warm.
Fir.

What's the difference between an oak tree and a tight shoe?
One makes acorns, the other makes corn ache.

What tree does everyone carry with them?
Palm.

What mathematics subject did the acorn say when it grew up?
Geometry!

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep ?
You rock-et !

Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies toilet ?
To boldly go where no man has been before !

What holds the moon up ?
Moon beams !

Cub #1: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a lawn sprinkler?
Cub #2: Hare Spray

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