Campfire Skits

Peanuts

Judge: Order in the court! Order in the court! Bring in the first case!

(Bailiff brings in a scruffy guy.)

Judge: What's your problem?

#1: Duh, I like to throw Peanuts against walls! Hic!

Judge: 30 days psychiatric treatment! Next!

Judge: What's your problem?

#2: Duh, I like to throw Peanuts out the window!

Judge: 30 days psychiatric treatment! Next!

(Judge becomes increasingly bored)

Judge: Oh, not another, What's your problem?

#3: Duh, I like to throw Peanuts into a lake!

Judge: 30 days psychiatric treatment! Why do they send me all the loonies,Next!

(Finally the bailiff brings in the last, really scruffy, bloodied, shirt torn, no shoes, so on.)

Judge: What's your problem? (Sigh....)

Peanuts: I'm Peanuts! (Passes out.)

You've Broken the Rules!

Captain: Okay let's see the first o' you. Which rule did you break?

#1: I... I... I ran around in the dining hall when I should have been sitting down!

Captain: Walk the plank! And you?

#2: I pushed into the canteen line, Sir!

Captain: Walk the plank! And you?

#3: I wasn't quiet when the sign was up!

Captain: Walk the plank! And you?

#4: I was talking after bedtime!

Captain: Walk the plank! And you?

#5: I wasn't listening during badgework!

Captain: Walk the plank! And you?

#6: I was playing with the campfire!

Captain: Walk the plank!

Lifeguard comes out.

Lifeguard: Okay guys, BUDDY UP AND NO TALKING!

The Beer Commercial

Director: Okay, People! Let's get going!

Cameraman: But Sir!

Director: No interruptions! Action!

(Actor, speaking in a dull voice, does a commercial for Scout Beer, talking about its great taste, made from dishwater and leftover porridge, and lots of the special ingredient, "Hop to it," which the Scout leader often said, from Scout camp when ...)

Director: Cut! That sounded like you don't like the stuff! Sound sincere! Okay! Let's try it again!

Cameraman: But Sir!

Director: No buts! Action!

(Actor begins again, appropriately sincere, and there are the usual interruptions by the director, saying it's too fast, too slow, whispers into the actor's ear (who then checks his zipper) until finally, everything goes smoothly. )

(All the while, the Cameraman keeps on interrupting the Director at the same time.)

Director: Cut! And Print! That was fantastic! Let's get out of here!

Cameraman: But Sir! We don't have any film!

The Dumb Actors

("Set the scene" with the "actors" standing around on break, and the Director calling them in, saying that they'd had enough time already.)

Director: Lights, Camera, Action!

Clapper: Scene one, Take one!

(The actors play the scene without the least sign of emotion as lighting people follow and cameraman films. Mother is flipping pancakes at the stove when son walks in.)

Son: Mom, I don't feel too well. (He collapses)

Mom: (Goes over, looks at son.) Oh, I'd better call the doctor. (Moves to the phone, dials making click, click, click sounds.) Doctor, come quick. My son's collapsed.

Doctor: (Enters, checks pulse and breathing.) He's dead. I'd better call the undertaker. (Goes to phone, dials making dialing sounds like Mom did.) Undertaker, you'd better come. I have a dead body here.

Undertaker: (Enters and begins to measure the body.)

Director: (Jumps up.) Cut! Cut! That was terrible. You had no emotion AT ALL! Let's do it again. This time, give me more emotion!

Cast: (Exiting) Right. More emotion.

Director: Lights, Camera, Action!

Clapper: Scene one, Take Two!

(The actors redo the scene, using exactly the same words, but with great hammy histrionics. Mom weeps uncontrollably throughout, son dies very dramatically, etc. At the same point as in Take One, the Director yells, "Cut! Cut!")

Director: That was better, but too fast. Let's try again. This time, slow it down. Lights, Camera, Action!

Clapper: Scene on, Take three!

(The actors redo the scene in slow motion-talking slowly, mowing slowly. For example, when the telephone is dialed it goes click ... click ... click ... and after the doctor check's the son's pulse, the son's hand falls slowly back to the floor, etc. The Director yells "Cut!" in the usual place.)

Director: That was far too slow! Let's speed it up!

(This time the actors do the scene so quickly that the son throws himself to the ground, the doctor is there before Mom can hang up, and so on.)

Director: (At the same place) Cut! That was absolutely terrible! Actors? Do you call yourselves actors!!??

Cast: Actors? Who said anything about actors? We're the cleaners! (All pick up brooms and exit.)

Pass the Pepper

Ma: Pass the peppa, Pa.

(Goes down the line to Pa, who responds)

Pa: Here's the Black Peppa, Ma.

(Goes down the line to Ma, who responds)

Ma: No, not the Black Peppa, Pa.

(Goes down the line to Pa, who responds)

Pa: Oh. Here's the Chili Peppa, Ma.

(This goes on through different kinds of Peppa i.e. Banana Peppa, Jalepeno Peppa, Red Peppa, Green Peppa, and so on until,)

Ma: Can't you pass the toilet peppa, Pa?

The Bubble Gum on the Street

Kid: Blowing bubbles is just great. Watch. (Blows imaginary bubble; it pops and lands somewhere on the ground.) Hmm. Where did it go? I should look for it. (Goes around and exits, still looking for it.)

(Enter dog, who stops, sniffs at gum, pees on it, and exits. Basketball player is dribbling ball when it gets stuck on the gum-he tries to loosen it and finally does. Car drives right over it. Jogger goes by, his foot gets stuck on it; old man comes by and his cane gets stuck on it. Finally, Kid comes back.)

Kid: Ahh! There's my piece of gum! (Picks it up, pops it in his mouth and continues chewing.)

The Bubble Gum in the Studios

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the world famous WHEEL OF FISH! (Boy comes crawling onto stage.) I say, young man, what are you doing down there?

Boy: (Looking up) I'm looking for my bubble gum!

Announcer: Well, where did you lose it?

Boy: Backstage!

Announcer: Then why look here?

Boy: The lighting is better here!

Submarine Training

Storyteller: I need a volunteer to take submarine training.

(Put victim under the coat and hold up an arm of the coat to use as a periscope.)

Now to be a good submarine captain, you must be able to use the periscope. So let's practice a bit.
Can you see the fire? How about those tents? The table? The moon? The stars?

(Continue until (s)he becomes proficient.)

Let's start our mission. You are the captain of this fine submarine, the S.S. Kaput. You are to bring it about on maneuvers and sink enemy ships. So here we go, in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Oh! Here comes an enemy ship to the right! Can you see him?

(Show a drawing of a ship.) Blow him up! (When he fires, sink the ship.) Good going!
Now turn the submarine to port, and then to starboard (Left & right.) Oh, Oh-there's a storm brewing. (Shake him a bit.)
Do you see that Island? Try to go there to seek cover. Can you see the waves? My, aren't they big? And they're crashing against the rocks!
What a big storm! Can you see it? Can you see the waves? No?

(Pour the water down the arm.)

Flora the Flea

(The performer is putting his trained flea Flora through all her tricks, explaining all her tricks as she does them. His eyes follow every flip, jump, etc. as she performs and lands back in his hand.

The he asks her to jump to the ceiling. His eyes lose her and she doesn't return. He looks high and low (perhaps with the help of a friend) but can't find her. Finally he looks in someone's hair.)

Performer: (Delighted) Flora! There you are! I'm so glad to have you back.

(looks more closely.) But say ... this isn't Flora!

Alternate Ending ...

(When Flora has done all her tricks,)

Performer: Let's hear a big round of applause for Flora! (Begins to clap, then stops, horrified, realizing what he's done.)

The Party Warehouse

(Get two victims to hold, at each end, the broomstick-this will be your manager's store counter.)

Customer #1: Hi! I'd like to buy some balloons for my daughter's birthday party.

Manager: Of course, Sir. Let me check with the back. (Calling to back of warehouse.) Do we have any balloons?

Warehouse: (Calling from back-an accent works well, or he's hard of hearing.) Let me check. (Pause) No! No balloons!

Manager: Gee, I'm sorry, Sir. Thank you for stopping by!

(Continue with each customer trying to get cakes, party favours, candies, games for the little darlings, hats, and so on. Each time, the Manager calls back, the warehouse person responds that he'll check, says no, and the manager apologizes. Finally,)

Last Customer: I've been waiting in line here for a while and I've noticed that you don't have anything that anybody wants. What do you have for parties?

Manager: (Slowly looks at each of the victims, considering each.) Well, I do have two suckers on a stick!

The Statue Warehouse

Guide: Welcome to the museum of Superheroes. We have an unique collection of statues in that you can press a button and the statues come alive to imitate their real life counterparts. See here, for instance. This is Superman. Watch as I push the button on his chest.

(Superman comes out of stiff standing position and takes a flying position, then resumes a stiff standing position. Guide continues through the tour, occasionally letting someone try the statues of Spiderman, the Flash, Batman, Wonderwoman, each with a different action and way of activating them (pull arm, press nose, and so on.) Finally they get to Aquaman.)

Guide: Now this is our last statue; Aquaman is our pride and joy. However, it seems that sometimes it just won't activate. Better let me try first.

(Pulls arm. Nothing. "Aquaman," he whispers. He tries the arm again. Nothing.)

(To victim) You, Sir? Would you like to try? He's rather finicky. Maybe he'll work if you try.

(Victim tries and Aquaman spits out a mouthful of water at him.)

The Greatest Spitter in the World

(Separate GSITW and partner by about 15 feet.)

Partner: Ladies and Gentlemen! May I present to you the Greatest Spitter in the World! He does all kinds of tricks with a mere spit! Let him show you the simple spit first!

(GSITW sends off a regular spit, which is caught in the pot by the partner. When it's supposed to land, he hits the bottom of the pot with a secret pebble he holds in his hand.)

Partner: Ladies and Gents! That is not all he can do! Watch his fastball!

(Again, another spit which immediately "lands" in the pot. Continue with tricks, such as slow spit, high spit, round the world spit (in which case each turns around, backs facing each other, and the spit takes a while to come around but indeed does,) curve spit, and so on. Finally,)

Partner: Now for his last spit! It's a really difficult spit but we think we have it! It's a high, quadruple axle, curvy, spring jump spit! We must have absolute silence for this one!

(GSITW spits up, partner follows it up, doing 4 spins, it curves side to side, begins to jump up and down in air, then he seems to lose it ... no, there it is ... he goes side to side, trying to catch it, he trips and spills the water on the crowd.)

Sounds of the Lost Scoutmaster

(Storyteller is telling the story to the campfire crowd, while the other actors, with the exception of the Lost Scoutmaster, have the option to hide in the woods, sit in the crowd, or stand beside the story teller. I suggest the first, for effect. The Lost Scoutmaster, however, must hide in the woods.)

Storyteller: You know, I love camping. It's not like being in the city at all. You hear sounds that you can only hear out in the country.
For instance, lots of birds. (Bird chirps a lot, sings a bird song.) Ah, isn't that lovely?
And the frogs. They have one of those great sounds. (Frog calls out ribbit sounds.)
And though there's breeze in the city, it's just not the same as the breeze in the country. (Light breeze being called out.)
Let's face it; there are trees in the city, but how many? The breeze through a forest is so nice (Light breeze, slight swishing of the trees.)
But the sound I love to hear the most when I go camping is the sound of the Lost Scoutmaster.

(Heavy thumping of the feet; calls out, "Where in the world am I?")

The Highest Tree climber in the World

(Tree climber is hidden in the woods and is able to ruffle a bush or tree.)

1: You know, they say there's this really good tree climber trying out for the Olympics. I wonder if he's practicing around here?

2: Call out and see!

1: Hey! Tree Climber! You around here?

Climber: Yep!

1: You practicing?

Climber: Yep!

1: How high are you?

Climber: Oh, not high. About 100 feet.

1: Wow! Can you go higher?

Climber: Yep! (Ruffles tree.) Now I'm at about 200 feet.

1: Fantastic! Can you go higher?

Climber: Yep! (Ruffles tree.) Now I'm at about 275 feet.

1: Neato! Can you go higher?

Climber: Yep! (Ruffles tree.) Now I'm at about 325 feet.

1: Great! Can you go higher?

Climber: Yep! (Ruffles tree.) Now I'm at about 400 feet.

1: Gee! I'm amazed!

2: Excuse me, Sir, but I have a book here that says that the highest tree in the world is only 360 feet high!

Climber: Ahhhhhh!!!!!! (Thump!)

Post Office / King's Royal Paper

Version 1

(Person is last in line, clerk is behind a desk, serving people, box with toilet paper)

1: 5 stamps, please.

Clerk: $2.00, please.

2: My mail, please. (Clerk hands it to him.)

3: This to Albuquerque.

Clerk takes it.

4: Has my package arrived yet?

Clerk: (Checks.) No, I'm sorry Sir.

(Next day, same type scenario occurs, with person 4 always last in line, always asking for his package, which hasn't arrived yet. Each day this repeats, his legs become more and more crossed, he's more fidgety, more nervous, more anxious, more desperate, till finally, on the last day he's up again.)

4: (Yelling out) Has my package arrived yet?

Clerk: Yes Sir! Here it is!

4: (Relieved, tearing open the box and holding up toilet paper) Thank you! Now I can go to the washroom!

Version 2: The King's Royal Paper

Have servants ham it up when their head is about to be cut off.

King: I want my Royal Paper!

1: Here, Sire, The Royal newspaper!

King: No! That's not it! Guard, Off with his head!

2: Sire! Your Royal Writing paper!

King: Fool! Off with his head!

3: Your Highness! Here is The Royal Scratch Paper! King: (Furious) If I wanted to draw I'd have called for Crayons! Off with his head!

4: Your Grace! Here is the Royal Paper! (Hands him the toilet paper.)

King: Thank you! (Runs off to washroom.)

7 Jerks on the Line

Person 1: I went fishing the other day!

2: Can't hear you!

1: Said I went fishing the other day!

2: Can't hear you! Maybe the phone company needs more telephone poles!

(Get a couple of victims to hold the rope up in the middle.)

1: That better?

2: A little! Try again.

1: Went fishing the other day!

2: Really? Is it a good sushi bar?

1: No! I went fishing! Maybe they need more poles!

(Get a couple more victims to help hold the rope up.)

1: As I was saying, the spot I was at wasn't great!

2: No, still can't hear you. Did you say you got grapes?

1: Hold on a minute.

(Get another couple of poles.)

1: I said that I went fishing and my luck wasn't too good!

2: That's better! Still a little interference, but you say you hit a puck? I think one more pole will help greatly.

(Get one more pole.)

2: Perfect!

1: Gee! The phones today. Anyway, I went fishing the other day.

2: Oh? And how did you do? Any bites?

1: Not good. But today, I did get 7 jerks on the line!

The Pilfered Warehouse

Manager: (To new guard) I'm giving you the very responsible position of gate guard at this factory. Because of the lack of vigilance by your predecessors, the workers have stolen so many finished articles that the firm is heading for bankruptcy. Your duty is to ensure this is brought to an end. Do you understand?

Guard: Yes Sir. I am to stop stealing.

Manager: That's right. You can search people if necessary. Now it's up to you, and let's see some results.

Guard: Very good, Sir. (Manager leaves; guard takes post; first workman enters carrying a clothdraped box.) Just a moment. What have you got in that box?

#1: What do you mean?

Guard: What have you got in that box? It's my duty to see that no one takes stuff out of the factory.

#1: Why didn't you say? There's nothing in the box. Look! (He shows everyone the box is empty.)

Guard: Oh, well, that's all right then.

(#1 leaves and #2 enters, box draped as before. Guard and workman go through routine of looking in the box. Repeat with #3. After #3 has left, the manager races in enraged.)

Manager: You idiot! I hired you to stop this pilfering. You've only been here half an hour and already we're losing things!

Guard: But the only people who went out were three men with boxes. I stopped them all and they all had nothing in them.

Manager: You fool! We make boxes!

There's a Bear!

Guide: I'm going to bring you through an imaginary trip to follow a bear's daily activities. First, I need a volunteer (He will be a victim). First, we'll kneel down, you in front of me. Then I'm going to say, "There's a bear!" and you're going to respond, "Where?" and I'll point him out. You still won't see him and repeat, "Where?" and I'll point him out, and then you'll say, "Ahh. I see him, he's over there!" and point the same way I did.

Guide: There's a bear!

1: Where?

Guide: Over there!

1: Where?

Guide: Over there!

1: Ahh. I see him, he's over there!

(Continue by introducing the other victims, one at a time and lining them up in front of your previous victim, and repeating the same sketch, but increasing the length as you go through it in a repetitious manner i.e. you point out to #1, then he to #2, then he to #3, then he to #4. Finally,)

Guide: Guess what? He fell over! (Push over your victims)

Nosebleed

(Nosebleed person is looking down at the ground. #1 comes in and looks around, then down, and mumbles,)

#1: Hmm, what's going down, man? (No answer.)

#2 walks in, does the same thing, as does #3. #4 walks in, looks up for a moment, then asks,

#4: What are you guys doing?

Nosebleed: I don't know what these guys are doing, but I've got a nosebleed!

You Don't Say!

Person: (Phone rings, picks it up.) Hello? Yes? You don't say ... You don't say ... You don't say ... You don't say? ... You don't say! ... You don't say. Bye!

Friend: Say, who was on the phone?

Person: He didn't say!

Waiter!

Customer 1: Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Shh! Everyone else will want one!

Same line continues on with other customers about a fly being in alphabet soup (He's learning to read!)
What's this fly doing in my soup? (The backstroke, Sir!)
There's a fly in my soup! (Pass him a life preserver!)
I just took a fly out of my soup. What do you think you should do? (Give First Aid!) Finally,

Last Customer: Waiter, did you know that there's a fly in my ice cream, too?

Waiter: No! I didn't know they were into winter sports!

Why Are You Late?

Boss: Why are you late?

#1: (Rushing into work, breathless.) Sorry I'm late, Boss. My car broke down, so I took the bus. But the driver hit a tree, so I had to take a cab. And it broke down, too. Fortunately, I was near a stable so I borrowed the horse. But it ran so fast that it had a heart attack and collapsed. I had to jog the rest of the way!

(#2 & 3 come in late with exactly the same excuse. The boss becomes a little bit more exasperated each time, until #4 finally comes in, late of course.)

Boss: Why are you late? No, wait. Let me guess. Your car broke down, so you took the bus. But the bus driver hit a tree, so you took a cab. And it broke down too. Fortunately, you were near a stable and so you borrowed the horse. But it ran so fast that it had a heart attack and collapsed, so you had to jog the rest of the way, right?

#4: No boss, you got it all wrong! The streets were so crowded with broken down cars, buses and cabs, trees, dead horses, and worst of all some crazy joggers that I couldn't get through!

The New Bike

Salesman: Here, Sir, is our most popular model. It also has an unbelievably low price. Try it.

Buyer: OK -- (tries it) -- no, it's not the right size.

Salesman: Then try this one. It's got 25 gears and goes really fast.

Buyer: No, I don't need that many.

Salesman: All right, try this one.

Buyer: I don't quite like the colour.

Salesman: This one is a great mountain bike; great reports from everyone.

Buyer: Hmmm... OK. Hey! I really like this!

(All of a sudden the mountain bike collapses-falls down.)

Salesman: My, I'm so embarrassed. Are you sure you wouldn't like to purchase one of the other bicycles? They're very good.

Buyer: Not really. I really liked this last one.

Salesman: Hold on, let me get one of my men from the back. (Get your victim.) Do you think you can fix this bike? (Instructs him to lift up the bike and pull this, tighten that.) Now Sir, try it.

Buyer: Hey! This is great! You've just sold this bike! What did your technician do?

Salesman: Well, I guess all that was needed was a nut to hold it up!

The Operation

A shadow show is where you have the bright light behind you and the sheet between you and the audience so that they see the shadows. Your heads can be seen over the top and on the sides, but the action MUST be shadowed on the sheet and be the main attraction. In case you decide not to use the shadow show, no problem. But you need a high table or bench so make it looks "real."

Patient: (Walking into office.) Doctor! Doctor! I need your help.

Doctor: (Real whacko.) Oh, good, come here and I'll fix you up good. Nurse, anaesthetize the patient!

Patient: But Doctor! (Nurse "hits" him on the head with frypan; he passes out.)

(Time to really ham it up; Doctor is real messy in opening up the patient with knife; he "finds" all sorts of things in the belly, each time explaining that this is a good part of the problem. Every once in a while during the action,)

Patient: (Wakes up.) But Doctor!

Doctor: Nurse! Put him under! (Nurse hits patient with frying pan, restrains, etc.)

Finally, the doctor is finished and sews him up.

Doctor: (Tapping shoulder of the patient, who wakes up.) Do you feel better now?

Patient: But Doctor! I just need to use your phone!!

Is a Train Comin' Today?

Grandma: (In old voice) Grandpa, is a train Comin' from the south today?

Grandpa: (Hobbles over to station, checks the schedule, looks to the south, returns, and in an old voice,) No, Grandma.

Grandma: Grandpa, is a train Comin' from the north today?

Grandpa: (Hobbles over to station, checks the schedule, looks to the north, returns.) No, Grandma.

Grandma: Grandpa, is a train Comin' from the east today?

Grandpa: (Hobbles over to station, checks the schedule, looks to the east, returns.) No, Grandma.

Grandma: Grandpa, is a train Comin' from the west today?

Grandpa: (Hobbles over to station, checks the schedule, looks to the west, returns.) No, Grandma.

Grandma: Good. We can cross the tracks now.

Shut Up!

Narrator: There once were a brother and sister called Shut Up and Trouble.
They liked to go on walks together. (SU & T are walking through the woods.)
One day, they were walking along in the woods together and Trouble got lost. (T walks off; SU looks around but can't find her.)
So Shut Up went to the police station to report a missing person.

Police officer: Can I help you? What's your name?

Shut Up: Shut Up, Sir.

Police Officer: That's a bit impolite. What's your name, boy?

Shut Up: Shut Up, Sir.

Police Officer: You should watch your manners, boy. What's your name?

Shut Up: Shut Up, Sir.

Police Officer: Young man, are you looking for trouble?

Shut Up: Yes, Sir, she's lost! Do you know where she is?

Food, Water & Mirror on the Sahara

Narrator: Here are some poor, thirsty men on the desert who've been stranded on the desert for days. Let's watch.

(Two or three people are crawling, calling out for water. Time to really ham it up. Finally, they see the cup of water and stagger for it, reaching out. Finally, they get to the water and,)

People: Ahhhh! (Relieved-they take out combs, dip them in water and begin to comb hair.)

You Need a Tie, Sir

Person: (Gasping) Water! I need water!

#1: Sir! Would you like to buy a tie? This one would look so good on you!

Person: I want water, not a tie!

#2: (After a pause) Sir! We're having a tie sale. Would you like to buy a nice tie for a great price?

Person: I'm dying of thirst, and you want to sell me a tie?

#3: (After a pause) Sir! I have these fine silk ties at reasonable prices. Would you care to look at my stock?

Person: Sheesh! What kind of people sell ties in the middle of the desert to thirsty people? (After a pause; looks to the distance) An oasis! I'm saved! (Scrambles over.) Sir! Please! I would like to buy a glass of water!

Maitre d': I'm sorry Sir, but you can't enter this restaurant without a tie.

A Hot Meal!

Version 1

#1: Boy, am I hungry! We haven't eaten in days!

#2: Me too.

#3: And I would just love a hot meal.

#1: (Looking to ground) Wow! A rabbit! Jump it! (#1 & 2 jump it and catch it; they start to eat it.)

#2: (Looking back at #3) Would you like some?

#3: No thanks, I'm waiting for a hot meal.

#1: Suit yourself.

(A little later)

#2: Hey! A squirrel! Get it!

(#1 & 2 get it and start tearing it apart)

#1: (To #3) Would you like a morsel?

#3: No thanks, I'm waiting for a hot meal.

(A little later)

#1: Wow! A moose!

#2: Be very quiet. (#1 & 2 jump it and kill it; they start eating it)

#1: Look, there's plenty here, we don't need to keep it all to ourselves, even if we did get this without your help. There's too much to eat anyway. Want any?

#3: No thanks, I'm waiting for a hot meal.

#2: Are you sure? You haven't eating anything for even longer than us two.

#3: No thanks, I'm waiting for a hot meal.

(After a while,)

#1: Boy, I'm stuffed.

#2: Me too. But I think I'm getting sick. (Throws up.)

#1: I'm sick, too. (Throws up.)

#3: Wow! A hot meal!

Version 2

#1: Boy, what a meal. I really gorged myself.

#2: Me too.

#3: Eating that much makes it hard to walk. Let's get a cab.

#4: Agreed.

#5: Taxi!

(They all get in.)

Cabby: Get ready for a good ride, boys.

(The cabby pantomimes driving, going along like a race driver, swerving from side to side, up and down hills, does a real roller coaster ride. Sort of like my driving, if you've experienced it. The people swerve left to right with the driver, all hanging on to dear life and lunch, until they all throw up.)

Cabby: Wow! A five course meal!

Cub Shop

#1: I'd like to buy the Cub Shirt.

Storekeeper: Sure. One moment, please.

(You hear the kid struggling with the keeper in the background-"No, you can't have it!") (Comes back with a shirt.)

#2: I'd like to buy the accessories to the Cub Uniform.

Storekeeper: Sure. One moment, please.

(You hear the kid struggling with the keeper in the background-"No, you can't have them!") (Comes back with accessories.)

#3: I'd like to buy the pants to go with the Cub Uniform.

Storekeeper: Sure. One moment, please.

(You hear the kid struggling with the keeper in the background-"No, you can't have them!") (Comes back with pants.)

#4: I'd like to buy the right kind of shoes for the Cub Uniform.

Storekeeper: Sure. One moment, please.

(You hear the kid struggling with the keeper in the background-"No, you can't have them!") (Comes back with shoes.)

Kid: (Comes running out in underwear/swim suit) How am I supposed to go to Cubs without my uniform?

The Infantry is Coming!

#1: (Runs in) The Infantry is coming! Go to the bomb shelters!

#2: (A moment later, runs in) The Infantry is coming! Save yourselves!

#3: (A moment later, runs in) The Infantry is coming! Let's help them!

#4: (A moment later, runs in) The Infantry is coming! Let's watch the tanks!

(A moment later)

Person: And here it is, the Infant Tree.

Keep Canada Beautiful Contest

Cub 1: (Runs in, very excited) Hey, you guys! Did you hear about the big contest?

Cub 2: What contest? What's it about?

Cub 1: The "Keep Canada Beautiful Contest," that's what!

Cub 3: Are there prizes? A contest is no good without prizes.

Cub 1: Sure, lots of prizes. Neat ones like bicycles and radios, and lots of good stuff!

Cub 4: (Gloomily) I bet it's hard. Contests with neat prizes are always hard.

Cub 1: Nope! It's easy. Even the rules say it's SIMPLE-in big letters. The winner is the one who picks the easiest way.

Cub 5: The easiest way to do what?

Cub 1: The easiest way to keep Canada Beautiful. That's what I've been talking about!

Cub 6: (With a swagger) Ha! Then I'm a cinch to win!

Cub 1: Why's it so cinchy for you? What's your great way to keep Canada beautiful?

Cub 6: (Takes out comb and combs his hair) See! That's the easiest way I know to keep Canada Beautiful.

(The others look at him, then at each other. Quickly they surround him, carry or drag him to a large box marked TRASH, and dump him in.)

Cub 1: Like he said, fellahs, we're a cinch to win! That's the easiest way I know to keep Canada beautiful. (they exit, laughing while Cub 6 stands up in the trash box with a disgusted look on his face.)

Brain Shop

Customer: Hi! I'm bored with myself. I'd like to buy a new brain and have an all new personality.

Shopkeeper: (In one of those evil, horror movie voices) Ahh, yes. Well, I can sell you this brain from Billy Crystal for $5000. Here. Try it. ("Unscrews" head and plops in pretend brain.) How do you feel?

Customer: (In Billy Crystal style voice) Marvelous. I ... feel ... marvelous. But I don't think it's me. Can I try another?

Shopkeeper: Okay. Let me see. (Rummages around.) Let's try this one. It's the brain from Captain Kirk. Only $5000.

Customer: (In Kirk voice) Scotty ... Can you fix those transporters? No, a bit too famous for me.

Shopkeeper: Sure. I'll go out back. (Rummages around in back of store.)

Here's one from Ronald Reagan. It only costs $5000. How do you feel?

Customer: (In Ronald Reagan style voice) Wellll ... Bonzo, stop that ... I think that this one's still a bit too famous for me.

Shopkeeper: Hmmmm. A tough customer. I'll have to go down to the basement. I'll be back. (Customer comments on the kind of brains he has gotten and what kind he'll get next.) Ahhh, here we are. The best in the house, not famous at all. I guarantee you'll love it. Only $15000. (Yes ... $15000.)

Customer: (Imitates a leader in the crowd for some notorious act, such as putting up the sign and calling out "PACK!" or admonishing the kids or doing a famous routine or the like.) Hmmm ... this is good. But I recognize it. No, wait ... it's (Insert name of person.) I love it! But tell me ... the brains of those three famous people only cost $5000 apiece. This one, however, comes from a virtually unknown, unimportant person. Why does it cost $15000?

Shopkeeper: Well, it's never been used!

Pet Shop

Customer: I'd like to buy a turtle.

Shopkeeper: Well, here's one of the only three turtles I have left-they sell real well out here but turtle shipments are few and far between.

Customer: Gee, thanks! Just the kind I was looking for, too!

(Later, customer comes in with dead turtle and is a little distraught.)

Customer: Look! He's dead already! How old was he?

Shopkeeper: Here, here. Let me see. Hmm. Look, having pets die on customers on the first day they buy them is bad for business, so here's a new one. No charge.

Customer: Thank you! That's so gracious of you.

(Later, customer comes in with dead turtle and is more distraught.)

Customer: Are you sure these turtles are okay? This one died on me too!

Shopkeeper: Let me see. Hmm. Well, here's the last of my three turtles, and though I won't get another shipment for a while, you can have it for free.

Customer: You are the nicest man I know. Thank you so much!

(Later, customer comes in with dead turtle and is hysterical and crying.)

Customer: What are you trying to do to me? This one died too!

Shopkeeper: Let me see this. This is bugging me too. Say. They all have scratches on the shells. Why? What were you doing with them?

Customer: (Sniffing) Well, I was only trying to give my car a turtle wax!

What's 2+2?

Captain: First Mate! What's 2+2?

1st Mate: Duh! One, Sir!

Captain: Good! Bosun! What's 2+2?

Bosun: Uhh ... let's see ... (Counts on fingers) Uhh ... Five, Sir!

Captain: No problem! Gunner! What's 2+2?

Gunner: Sheesh, Captain! Why give me all the hard ones?

Captain: Great! Cook! What's 2+2?

Cook: Let's see. Two apples and two potatoes makes ... (Thinks) Two apples and two potatoes, Sir!

Captain: Pleased to hear it! You! Floor Scrubber! What's 2+2?

Scrubber: Four, Sir!

Captain: Off with his head! (Cuts off head with sword.)

Servant: Beggin' the Captain's pardon, Sir! I think everyone else got it wrong, but the floor scrubber got it right. Why did you kill him?

Captain: He's too smart! He might go after my job some day!

The Ghost of Midnight

Ghost: (Going up to Mom, wakes her up-uses scary ghost voice.) I am the Ghost of Midnight!

Mom: Ahhh!

Ghost: (To Dad-same thing.) I am the Ghost of Midnight!

Dad: I'm getting out of here!

Ghost: (To son.) I am the Ghost of Midnight!

Son: Help! Mommy!

Ghost: (To daughter.) I am the Ghost of Midnight!

Daughter: (Looks at watch.) Aww, shutup! It's only 11:45!

What's the Problem?

Swasin: (Crying on stage)

Kid 1: (Sees leader; goes to him.) Swasin! What's the problem?

Swasin: (Whispers in kid's ear.)

#1 begins to cry too.

#2: Hey! What's the problem?

#1 whispers in #2's ear, and he starts crying too. Continue with #3 and #4.

(Finally, Campfire Chief comes around.)

Chief: Hi! I've come around to collect skit names for the campfire tonight! Hey! What's the problem?

All: We don't have a skit!

The Babies & Dads

Doctor: Mr. Thompson, congratulations. You're the proud father of twins!

Thompson: What a coincidence-I come from Two Mountains!

(Later,)

Doctor: Mr. Smith, you now have triplets!

Smith: That's quite astonishing! I come from Three Rivers!

Third father faints; doctor revives him.

Doctor: Mr. Smart-what's wrong? Your wife hasn't even given birth yet!

Smart: I come from Thousand Islands!

Ghost With One Black Eye

#1: (Bends over; picks up coin.) Wow! A loony!

Ghost: (Comes out; scary voice.) I am the Ghost with one black eye!

(#1 scared; drops loony; runs away)

#2: (Bends over; picks up coin.) Wow! A dollar!

Ghost: (comes out) I am the Ghost with one black eye!

(#2 scared; drops loony; runs away)

#3: (Bends over; picks up coin.) Wow! Money!

Ghost: (Comes out.) I am the Ghost with one black eye!

#3: Keep it up, and you'll get another!

Bus Driver

Bus driver drives the bus along the route, and at each stop, more and more people get off the bus, holding their noses, telling the driver to hurry up, pushing against each other, running off the bus, until finally only Stinky and the Driver are left on the bus.

Driver: (Talking to Stinky) Hey! All my passengers left. You know anything about it? (Smells something awful.) Hmm. Something smells-it must be you. Did you wash this morning?

Stinky: Yes.

Driver: Hmm. Deoderant?

Stinky: Yes.

Driver: Hmm. Clean shirt?

Stinky: Yes.

Driver: Clean underwear?

Stinky: Yes.

Driver: Change your socks?

Stinky: Sure! Here are the old ones!

The Screwy Navel

Teller: There once was a little boy who had a screw instead of a belly button, and was always curious about it. Finally one day he asks his Mom,

Boy: Mommy, why do I have a screw instead of a belly button like everyone else?

Mom: (Brushing him away,) I don't have time right now. Ask your father.

Teller: The boy goes to his father and asks him the same question.

(He asks; gets the same type of answer ("Paying the bills.") He goes around to several people in the town to whom he is referred by the last person, but always getting the same type of answer. Finally, he goes to the priest.)

Boy: Father, why do I have a screw instead of a belly button like everyone else?

Priest: My son, only God knows of such things. You should pray and ask him.

Boy: Thank you, Father. (Begins praying.) God, why do I have a screw instead of a belly button like everyone else?

Teller: All of a sudden, a big hand appears with a large screwdriver, connects with his screw, and turns. All of a sudden the boy falls down and hears,

God: The screw is there to hold you together!

The Shrimpy Boxer

Version 1

Announcer: Ladies and Gents! May I bring your attention to the center ring where we will have our main attraction! Little John will be fighting against a new contender, named Shrimpy! 1-2-3 Go!

(They box-Shrimpy gets hit this way, that way, is really losing until at the last moment, he throws one weak punch and Little John falls unconscious.)

Announcer: 1! 2! 3! Shrimpy wins! Now let's look at that in slow motion!

(Boxers get up, and the scene repeats itself slowly in slow motion, and when Shrimpy is throwing his punch, someone quickly-and I mean unaffected by slow motion-runs up and swings the frypan against Little John's head.)

Version 2

The Announcer is explaining the rules and says "We'll have none of this!" (kicks Little John in the groin)

"Or this!" (breaks arm over his knee) "Or this!" (kicks in the knees)

"And of course this! is prohibited!" (hits over the head with the frypan)

"Understood? Good! Go!"

(And of course one weak punch from Shrimpy knocks him out.)

Doggie Doo

(Two friends are walking along the street, perhaps having a conversation about something, talking about a movie or the latest hockey scores, when all of a sudden-)

John: Hey Frank! Watch out! That may be doggie doo! Smell it to see if it smells like doggie doo!

Frank: (Smells it) Yep! Smells like doggie doo!

John: Touch it to see if it feels like doggie doo!

Frank: (Touches it) Yep! Feels like doggie doo!

John: Taste it to see if it tastes like doggie doo!

Frank: (Tastes it) Yep! Tastes like doggie doo!

John: Well! It's a good thing we didn't walk in it!

The Complaining Monk

Narrator: This skit is about the monks in a monastery who are only allowed to speak two words every ten years. Our friendly monk is about to come in and say his two words, after ten long years of silence.

Abbot: (Chants some blessing, then,) Yes, my son, what do you wish to say?

Monk: Bad food!

Narrator: Well, ten years have gone by, and of course our friendly monk's time has come again to say his two words. He of course is not quite as young as he used to be, and walks a touch more slowly.

Abbot: (Chants some blessing, then,) Yes, my son, what do you wish to say?

Monk: Uncomfortable bed!

Narrator: Well, yet another ten years have gone by, and of course our friendly monk's time has come again to say his two words. He is really old at this point, having been at the monastery for thirty, long, devoted years.

Abbot: (Chants some blessing, then,) Yes, my son, what do you wish to say?

Monk: I quit!

Abbot: I'm not surprised! You've been here for thirty years and all you've done is complain!

The Announcement

Campfire Chief: And now it's time to make a spot announcement.

(Dog barks from the audience.) Thank you Spot.

The Candy Shop

Kid: (Kid walks up to storekeeper and asks) I want five of those penny candies way up at the top.

Storekeeper: You mean those penny candies, way, way, waaaaaayy up top?

Kid: Yes, please.

Storekeeper: Sigh! (Kid takes innocent pleasure in watching the storekeeper go up.)

(Storekeeper climbs up and get him five candies, and receives the five cents.)

(This scene repeats itself several times over 3 more days, with the storekeeper being more and more tired each time and becoming equally more frustrated until, )

Storekeeper: Oh! I see that kid coming. I know what he's coming to get, so I'll climb up now to get the candies before he comes in and have it ready for him. (Climbs up and gets the 5 candies.)

Storekeeper: (Kid walks in.) I bet I know what you want. I bet you want five of the penny candies from way up top, right?

Kid: Nope! Not today!

Storekeeper: Sigh! Now I have to climb back up to put them away. (He climbs up, puts them away, then comes down.)

Storekeeper: Now, sonny, what would you like today?

Kid: I would like three of those penny candies way up at the top!

The Loon Hunt

Narrator: This is the story of the little-known Medicrin and two hunters' efforts to capture it. For instance, watch.

(The Medicrin, which has been dancing around during the Narrator's speech, suddenly spots the two hunters, who blunderingly, and unsuccessfully, attempt to catch the Medicrin. During the next speech, all actors act according to the Narrator's storyline.)

Narrator: Several times our bold hunters attempt to catch this Medicrin; they use traps, "Medicrin" calls, even a sick loon. (Every once in a while the actors make appropriate comments.) But all this was to no avail. Finally, they consulted a wise man.

Hunter 1: Wise man, we have been trying to catch the Medicrin for quite a while, but without any success. We even tried to lure it with a sick loon, because we'd heard that it was a good idea. What do you suggest?

Wise man: (In one of those old, strained, many years-of-experience sage voices,) You have been going about it almost in the right way. But the Medicrin also needs a sweeter trap!

Hunter 1: (Bewildered) Uh... Thank you, Wise man! Let's go!

Hunter 2: What did he mean by a sweeter trap?

Hunter 1: I don't know. Maybe we should feed our sick loon some sugar!

Hunter 2: Sugar?

Hunter 1: Yeah! You know, like sugar cured ham!

Narrator: And so our brave hunters took a bag of sugar and forced it down the loon's throat. Ahh ... Watch now as the Medicrin spots our loon.

(The Medicrin sees the loon and DIVES for it, at which point, the hunters capture the Medicrin.)

Narrator: Out brave hunters have finally succeeded in capturing the Medicrin. Which, just proves that ... A loonful of sugar helps the Medicrin go down!

49! 49! 49!

(A person is jumping on up and down, yelling 49! 49! 49! The second person comes by and notices this; he asks what he's doing.)

Victim: What are you doing?

Jumper: I'm jumping up and down on this manhole yelling 49! 49! 49! It's really fun! Wanna try?

Victim: Sure!

(He takes the jumper's place and yells 49! 49! 49! All of a sudden, the jumper pulls the manhole cover out from under the victim, who falls into the sewer.)

Jumper: 50! 50! 50!

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